Dear Cecilia,
It's been 2 years 11 months 11 days and 23 hours since I last saw your face.
I have the hiccups. I've had them for days. It's awful; like jumping in an elevator every 30 seconds, that feeling of everything shaking around while you stay in place. I can feel the hiccups in my lungs and my chest slowly spreading into my heart. I wonder if heart hiccups ever go away... I doubt it.
Winter is fading here, I wonder if it's warm where you are. God, I'm going to miss winter. Snow has always been my favorite form of precipitation. It covers the world in it's white blanket and suddenly everything is clean and pristine and innocent and... pure. Sewage covered streets become glistening white landscapes. Rundown tenement crack-houses turn into soft gentle edged buildings. Hell, rotting corpses could look like fallen angels in all that whiteness. Snow is camouflage for all that no one wants to see. Snow is nature's cosmetics for rundown shit-holes and forgotten back alleys. Snow is there to cover what is already gone. I've gotten comfortable with hiding in plain sight.
I was sludging through all this melting snow the other day when I saw Jimmy Berkowitz. You remember Jimmy Berkowitz, don't you? How could you not? You took a hammer to his heart Sophomore year. Apparently he's still picking up the pieces.
I said, "Oi! Jimmy. Is that you?" and I shouted it real loud, startling a few pidgins before he spun around to face me.
At first he gave me that look. That squinty-eyed, arched eyebrows, confused and suspicious look. He ran his calloused hand through his short hair and nervously reseated his glasses before he really recognized me, "Oh! Umm.... You're Cecilia's friend from college, right?"
"Yeah. That's right. So... How've you been?" You were always the more vibrant personality, how could I be anything next to you, Cee? I couldn't possibly expect him to remember me.
"Fine, fine." He was looking at his shoes; faded green leather, "You?"
His enthusiasm overwhelmed me... I could've told him I started to blow dicks for a living after I dropped out of college and would he like to have a go and he wouldn't have heard a word. His thoughts were elsewhere and I could tell. But I answered anyway."Good I guess. Not really doing much right now, I'm waitressing down at--"
"That's nice. So hey... have you seen Cee lately?" Nonchalance really never was his forte... His voice was raggedy; kind of like old drapes, drooping and filled with wholes and rips but still attempting to cover everything on the outside, or in Jimmy's case, everything on the inside. But his veils were no good, he was completely transparent.
And Cee, I'm so sorry, but I just couldn't stand it any longer. You left me. You left me when I really needed you. Without a word, a letter, a number. Nothing. Just poof. Gone. And you fucking KNOW the effect you have on people, how could you not? You use us and leave us. There are some people in this world who glow and the rest of us are just left to soak up the sun and hope we don't get skin cancer. But you're too bright, too hot. You burn everyone you touch, and you're a fire to brilliant to care. And so when Jimmy asked me if I'd seen you lately, I'm sorry Cee, but I lied.
"Oh, God... Jim... Didn't you hear?" And then I paused for dramatic effect, "Cee died. Last year, drug overdose. Yeah... Heroine. Such a shame." And I shook my head, pretending to envision your strung-out junkie body draped, gray-skinned and vein-y, across some florescent hospital bed.
"Oh my, God! Cee? I had no idea she was into the hard stuff. I mean, sure, we experimented in college but... Heroine? Oh my, God..." He looked as though he were about to cry, his eyes were wide and jumpy.
"Yeah... well, really it was her pimp's fault. He was the one who got her hooked. She started accepting payments in heroine for him, and I guess one thing just led to another and... In the end it was probably the AIDS that pushed her into it... She was so depressed" I shook my head again, pausing to look at my watch. "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I've got to get to work." I hoisted my purse back onto my shoulder and fluttered my fingers at him as I started to walk away, "It was great seeing you Jimmy. We should get together sometime. Do lunch, you know?" And I turned my head over my shoulder to check his expression one last time.
His face was sheet white, his eyes about ready to burst, his lips pressed into a firm line of disbelief. He checked his watch too, and looked up abruptly, startled by the time. He didn't even glance at me as he hurried away and faded into the crowd.
I smiled, Cee. I thought to myself Good, one less person in this world who worships Cecilia as a goddess. One less person to pine away after her crooked heart. One less person tangled up in her passionate grasp. Now if only I could untangle myself... And I stepped off the curb with a grin on my face, before I pulled my scarf tight around my neck. It may not be snowing but it's still cold as hell. There's nothing to hide me now, Cee.
Write me.
Your Friend,
~M~
It's been 2 years 11 months 11 days and 23 hours since I last saw your face.
I have the hiccups. I've had them for days. It's awful; like jumping in an elevator every 30 seconds, that feeling of everything shaking around while you stay in place. I can feel the hiccups in my lungs and my chest slowly spreading into my heart. I wonder if heart hiccups ever go away... I doubt it.
Winter is fading here, I wonder if it's warm where you are. God, I'm going to miss winter. Snow has always been my favorite form of precipitation. It covers the world in it's white blanket and suddenly everything is clean and pristine and innocent and... pure. Sewage covered streets become glistening white landscapes. Rundown tenement crack-houses turn into soft gentle edged buildings. Hell, rotting corpses could look like fallen angels in all that whiteness. Snow is camouflage for all that no one wants to see. Snow is nature's cosmetics for rundown shit-holes and forgotten back alleys. Snow is there to cover what is already gone. I've gotten comfortable with hiding in plain sight.
I was sludging through all this melting snow the other day when I saw Jimmy Berkowitz. You remember Jimmy Berkowitz, don't you? How could you not? You took a hammer to his heart Sophomore year. Apparently he's still picking up the pieces.
I said, "Oi! Jimmy. Is that you?" and I shouted it real loud, startling a few pidgins before he spun around to face me.
At first he gave me that look. That squinty-eyed, arched eyebrows, confused and suspicious look. He ran his calloused hand through his short hair and nervously reseated his glasses before he really recognized me, "Oh! Umm.... You're Cecilia's friend from college, right?"
"Yeah. That's right. So... How've you been?" You were always the more vibrant personality, how could I be anything next to you, Cee? I couldn't possibly expect him to remember me.
"Fine, fine." He was looking at his shoes; faded green leather, "You?"
His enthusiasm overwhelmed me... I could've told him I started to blow dicks for a living after I dropped out of college and would he like to have a go and he wouldn't have heard a word. His thoughts were elsewhere and I could tell. But I answered anyway."Good I guess. Not really doing much right now, I'm waitressing down at--"
"That's nice. So hey... have you seen Cee lately?" Nonchalance really never was his forte... His voice was raggedy; kind of like old drapes, drooping and filled with wholes and rips but still attempting to cover everything on the outside, or in Jimmy's case, everything on the inside. But his veils were no good, he was completely transparent.
And Cee, I'm so sorry, but I just couldn't stand it any longer. You left me. You left me when I really needed you. Without a word, a letter, a number. Nothing. Just poof. Gone. And you fucking KNOW the effect you have on people, how could you not? You use us and leave us. There are some people in this world who glow and the rest of us are just left to soak up the sun and hope we don't get skin cancer. But you're too bright, too hot. You burn everyone you touch, and you're a fire to brilliant to care. And so when Jimmy asked me if I'd seen you lately, I'm sorry Cee, but I lied.
"Oh, God... Jim... Didn't you hear?" And then I paused for dramatic effect, "Cee died. Last year, drug overdose. Yeah... Heroine. Such a shame." And I shook my head, pretending to envision your strung-out junkie body draped, gray-skinned and vein-y, across some florescent hospital bed.
"Oh my, God! Cee? I had no idea she was into the hard stuff. I mean, sure, we experimented in college but... Heroine? Oh my, God..." He looked as though he were about to cry, his eyes were wide and jumpy.
"Yeah... well, really it was her pimp's fault. He was the one who got her hooked. She started accepting payments in heroine for him, and I guess one thing just led to another and... In the end it was probably the AIDS that pushed her into it... She was so depressed" I shook my head again, pausing to look at my watch. "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I've got to get to work." I hoisted my purse back onto my shoulder and fluttered my fingers at him as I started to walk away, "It was great seeing you Jimmy. We should get together sometime. Do lunch, you know?" And I turned my head over my shoulder to check his expression one last time.
His face was sheet white, his eyes about ready to burst, his lips pressed into a firm line of disbelief. He checked his watch too, and looked up abruptly, startled by the time. He didn't even glance at me as he hurried away and faded into the crowd.
I smiled, Cee. I thought to myself Good, one less person in this world who worships Cecilia as a goddess. One less person to pine away after her crooked heart. One less person tangled up in her passionate grasp. Now if only I could untangle myself... And I stepped off the curb with a grin on my face, before I pulled my scarf tight around my neck. It may not be snowing but it's still cold as hell. There's nothing to hide me now, Cee.
Write me.
Your Friend,
~M~
No comments:
Post a Comment