Dear Cecilia,
It's been 2 years 11 months 4 days and 23 hours since I last saw your face, and yet I will never forget that your eyes are the color of a winter field, gray as ash and filled with longing. I will never forget that your nose slants slightly to the left leaving awkward shadows on your freckled cheeks. I will never forget that your right eyebrow is perpetually raised in apprehensive questioning. And I will never forget the way your thin pink lips form into shapeless silhouettes when you say the words, "Goodbye forever, dearest friend. I shall leave this place and never return."
God, Cee, couldn't you have given me some warning? Or was it one of those moments. The ones you used to describe to me when we would sit, smoking cigarettes and laughing underneath the Ferris Wheel in Juniper.
You would say, "I don't know what to tell you, M. Sometimes I just know I'm going to die with a dagger in my heart and a gun to my forehead and I'm still not gonna know what the hell it was all for anyway," and then you furrowed your brow, and slowly raised the cigarette to your mouth pinioning it in between your fleshy lips; I could almost hear the smoke swirling around in your lungs.
You paused, contemplating, your eyes searching the horizon for the words you could only ever find at the back of your skull. And then you sighed and all the words started to pour out at once, "It's like, when you're riding your bicycle and the wind is blowing through your hair and stinging your eyes, and everything around you is just a blur of colors, and everything just feels so right. And you smile and laugh, but the wind is so cold and dry, and then your whole mouth feels sticky and rough. And suddenly you can see that there's a rock in front your your wheel, and you know it's coming, and you could swerve to get out of the way, but you don't. You hit it. And there's that moment. In the air, where you know all that's going to happen is you're going to fall, and hit the ground, and it's going to hurt, and it's going to bleed, and you're going to be fine. But then there's that part of you that really believes you are going to die. That this is the end. That falling the 3 and a half feet from the handlebars to the asphalt will take you out of this world. And in that moment, you are totally free. And in that moment you are chained to forever. And in that moment, you don't remember to put your arms out to catch yourself, and you fall, like a vase crashing on linoleum. And then... you're fine... and you're not dead.... just sore. And all that excitement was wasted on a pebble in a road after you smiled so big it hurt your teeth."
"Are you saying you want to die, Cee?" I laughed, exhaling with a cough.
"Fuck no. I just want to learn to harness that excitement. I want every moment to be that moment. "
So is that what it was, Cee? You wanted to be free? You wanted to be chained forever? I don't know where you are. But I need you, Cee, I need you. I need your laughter. I need your short brown curls. I need your hand motions while you talk. I need your button up blouses. I need your thrift store shoes. I need your voice whispering in my ear. I need your anger, I need your joy, I need your sorrow, and I need your love.
My dearest friend, my oldest confidant. Come back to me.
I will write to you. My silent amigo. My wordless compatriot.
If I cannot share in your company, I can at least revel in your abandonment.
Return to sender, I don't give a shit, I'll send them anyway.
Wherever you are, I hate you for leaving me.
Wherever you are, I'll love you forever.
Your Friend,
~M~
It's been 2 years 11 months 4 days and 23 hours since I last saw your face, and yet I will never forget that your eyes are the color of a winter field, gray as ash and filled with longing. I will never forget that your nose slants slightly to the left leaving awkward shadows on your freckled cheeks. I will never forget that your right eyebrow is perpetually raised in apprehensive questioning. And I will never forget the way your thin pink lips form into shapeless silhouettes when you say the words, "Goodbye forever, dearest friend. I shall leave this place and never return."
God, Cee, couldn't you have given me some warning? Or was it one of those moments. The ones you used to describe to me when we would sit, smoking cigarettes and laughing underneath the Ferris Wheel in Juniper.
You would say, "I don't know what to tell you, M. Sometimes I just know I'm going to die with a dagger in my heart and a gun to my forehead and I'm still not gonna know what the hell it was all for anyway," and then you furrowed your brow, and slowly raised the cigarette to your mouth pinioning it in between your fleshy lips; I could almost hear the smoke swirling around in your lungs.
You paused, contemplating, your eyes searching the horizon for the words you could only ever find at the back of your skull. And then you sighed and all the words started to pour out at once, "It's like, when you're riding your bicycle and the wind is blowing through your hair and stinging your eyes, and everything around you is just a blur of colors, and everything just feels so right. And you smile and laugh, but the wind is so cold and dry, and then your whole mouth feels sticky and rough. And suddenly you can see that there's a rock in front your your wheel, and you know it's coming, and you could swerve to get out of the way, but you don't. You hit it. And there's that moment. In the air, where you know all that's going to happen is you're going to fall, and hit the ground, and it's going to hurt, and it's going to bleed, and you're going to be fine. But then there's that part of you that really believes you are going to die. That this is the end. That falling the 3 and a half feet from the handlebars to the asphalt will take you out of this world. And in that moment, you are totally free. And in that moment you are chained to forever. And in that moment, you don't remember to put your arms out to catch yourself, and you fall, like a vase crashing on linoleum. And then... you're fine... and you're not dead.... just sore. And all that excitement was wasted on a pebble in a road after you smiled so big it hurt your teeth."
"Are you saying you want to die, Cee?" I laughed, exhaling with a cough.
"Fuck no. I just want to learn to harness that excitement. I want every moment to be that moment. "
So is that what it was, Cee? You wanted to be free? You wanted to be chained forever? I don't know where you are. But I need you, Cee, I need you. I need your laughter. I need your short brown curls. I need your hand motions while you talk. I need your button up blouses. I need your thrift store shoes. I need your voice whispering in my ear. I need your anger, I need your joy, I need your sorrow, and I need your love.
My dearest friend, my oldest confidant. Come back to me.
I will write to you. My silent amigo. My wordless compatriot.
If I cannot share in your company, I can at least revel in your abandonment.
Return to sender, I don't give a shit, I'll send them anyway.
Wherever you are, I hate you for leaving me.
Wherever you are, I'll love you forever.
Your Friend,
~M~
Ananda, why are you such an amazing writer? I am baffled.
ReplyDelete